Joyless, “My Poor Grandmother”

Tuesday, Jan 27, 2015

Tuesday morning: My temper is hot. I’ve only been awake eighteen minutes and I’m ready to just give up already.

Now that I’m no longer by myself, my recovery is going to be stabbed at regular intervals with added frustration… and I’ll add some despair in there. There’s a slow-moving, deaf, dumb, blind, inattentive person just taking up space wherever I go in the house…

This is a poor description of a family member. I have to address this. If I can count on anyone in the world, it should be family, right? I just have this huge disconnection from any person who doesn’t immediately understand me. That’s a monumental task, too; I can’t pretend that it would come easily to anyone, as I am unable to express myself.

The span of three or four (or five?) generations between us means my grandmother and I will rarely be on the same page. It could be argued that we have different instinctual wants, even. We certainly don’t run on the same timeframe and despite being genetically-related, we seem to have few of the same likes and dislikes…

…Other than fatty, salty foods. Or meals that are 90% starch and carbs and 10% fatty-meat-based proteins.

There’s a lot of noise in the air. There are currently visitors here; before even 10am. That’s ridiculous! I wasn’t told there would be any visitors, not that it would have made a huge difference in my routine, but I might’ve retreated out of sight so that I can try to type out my frustrations without extra nonsense.

It is moods like this that lead to video games all day. Or television. Most likely, both!

I need to calm down. Sure, the first hour of the day has been blown; there’s no way to get it back or make it happier.

I have to remember that I’m not the only one with these problems, especially the problem of “family.” There’s going to be the outcast in every bloodline and I guess it’s me. I’m not alone. I tried to keep that thought close and draw some strength in it, but today’s driving theme is “I want to be alone!” And silent!

Today’s the worse day in terms of pain and mood, but there’s no headache. There’s my silver-lining.

I need to concentrate on some new things. What’s for dinner? Is the bathroom free (long enough to take a shower)? Why are the laundry machines on? Where’s the cat? I have to avoid the feeling “Boy, it sure would be great to go smoke outside, where no one would ever want to bother me.”

Unfortunately, being visible is an invitation to talk to me. I almost enjoy conversations, but not at home. I am asked a question and before I can even begin my answer, I’m interrupted with further uselessness, usually unrelated to the subject just broached. This is an infuriating thing, made even more so by the fact that most questions/subjects are asked with a mouth full of food, so I have to prepare to defend myself in disgust from slobbering and flying food-bits, most of which make the question(s) impossible to understand. I know it’s unfair to say! I do!

It doesn’t matter, though. The answer I give isn’t heard, understood, or anything. I have to repeat it and then hammer away at the point until I get that glimmer of comprehension. And then the subject can be dropped… This is the situation inside my own home.

Despite my “old soul,” I just don’t seem to have any patience for the elderly. Why is that? The cold truth is that I’m terrified of what my own future will bring. Are the holes in my brain going to make me simple-minded? Will I even live long enough for that to be an issue for me?

Since my destiny is to end up as a hermit, I don’t think most of that stuff will matter. But then, as “uplifting” as a future as that seems, it’s also unlikely. Will there even be mountains left to live in? How long until we have to scrape every available resource to make society “work?” I’m not filled with hope for the American future, let alone the future of the world.

There’s a lot of mystery left; why, there are new things to discuss every day! For some weird reason, though, in order to receive any public attention, they have to be “exploited” by “reality”-based-television/media, which (to me) is ultra-detrimental to the point(s). Maybe that’s why the problem with sustainability doesn’t get the attention it needs – the reality show it was based on flopped.

Seems like “we are running out of everything!” would be motivation enough, despite what the idiot public thinks. And of course, the public are idiots because there’s a little (or large!) box in every home doing the thinking for them.

How long until the public is so well-controlled by these things that they can just mindlessly accept that “everything’s ok?” I’d imagine that process has more than a foot-hold. If anything, the foot’s in the grave up to the torso!

Can we be considered “alive” if we are unable to react to outside stimuli?

Yours,

Justin Lehman

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