“The Cat as a Guardian Angel”

It’s little well-known (for good reason) that the cat was once considered for the important position of Guardian Angel. Poor Puss was given his shot, but…

There were a few “incidents.” In every hour of every cat’s life, there’s fifty-eight minutes devoted to eating and sleeping, which doesn’t leave a very open schedule.

Some say “Curiosity killed the cat,” and it’s an old allusion to these days. As every human knows, when you’re born, your’re born a newborn – a curious case-study of the “What is that?!”-type of intellect. Too many babes wandered to their doom during a cat-cleaning, …or the nap after a nap, …or the blind-concern over whether or not there’s food over there.

There was a particular period in history (those in the business are forbidden to use its name) called the “the Dark Ages” when the panthers were in charge of Guardian activity. Yes, just like the history books say, most of them just slept around the sun, blocking it out completely.

You may remember that when you’re a wee-babe still developin’ in the womby, your Guardian Spirit would come pay a visit. You know, introduce themselves, high-five, erase all the complete knowledge and understanding that all babies have (so done by swiping the “reset button” under your nose to your lip-top).

You’re right to recoil in horror. Imagine a gruesome paw with claws reaching for your bare face, not intent on harm, really, but too careless and willful to do otherwise. There were some cases were the cat-guardian in residence would clean themselves, maybe a little hair-ball action, which led to an epidemic of cat allergies.

It was a real problem. A lot of the staff was embarrassed.

Ah, but it’s not like the Guardian Duck or Snail did much better… For about eighty-trillion years, there was just a shortage of people able to live past the age of five. I forgot who had the “million-dollar solution,” though I think we call it that because it was some suckah in Accounting. Or Housekeeping, no Bookkeeping, sorry.

He proposed, in a sort of money-saving venture, that people-souls would have to be responsible for people, ah, souls. Only they know each other’s peculiar routines, plus they could share everything – room, bed, food, shame. We gave the Guardians some wings because that’s what they wanted. (A step above the guardian-teeth the cats wanted.)

And several treaties were signed, a celebration, I’m sure some important thing was invented, since discovery always follows revelation. And it became “Guardian Angel,” so there’d never be any confusion as to was on “Guardian Detail.”

It’s been a real success. In fact, it’s freed up a lot of time on our end. (Did you know you can play badminton in a pool?) For a moment, even Job got a break.

But cats of all sizes will always have a soft-spot for humans, especially helpless babes, so they invade houses to this very day. Mostly to answer the question of whether or not there’s food over there.

**based on true events**